WORKSHOPS AND CLASSES

"AUTHENTIC EROS: body sex spirit explorations for men"
A workshop for gay men facilitated by Kai Ehrhardt and Don Shewey
  
      August 18-21, 2010 Jemez, New Mexico (with Spirit Journeys -- see here)

      January 8-9, 2011: the first Authentic Eros workshop in New York City! Details to come.

"Come to Your Senses," a week-long program it Italy for gay men facilitated by Don Shewey and John Ballew. Next: "Exploring Sensual Bologna," October 2011. Stay tuned for more details.


"Men in Touch: Sensual Massage for Couples"
A one-day class taught by Don Shewey

IN THE NEWS

I'm now available for individual sessions via Skype. (Skype is a computer program that allows for free telephone calls and video conferencing worldwide via the Internet. You can download the program free here.) I've experimented with it and have found it a successful and valuable way of working with people who don't live in New York City. Obviously, there's no substitute for face-to-face hands-on healing work. But I find that Skype turns out to be a perfectly useful way to engage in long-distance coaching and counseling on a short-term or long-term basis. If you're interested, write me or phone me and we can discuss the logistics.

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My article "Daddy/Boy: Love, Power, and Masculinity" has just been published online at Daily.Gay.com. It begins: "Of all the role-playing scenarios that excite the gay male imagination (master/slave, coach/athlete, cop/civilian, doctor/patient), none is more potent than daddy/boy. The energy that gets activated between two men in this scene is so deep, profound, and erotic that we can only call it mythological. The interplay of strong, protective daddy with adoring, obedient boy uniquely combines love, power, and masculinity in a way that Carl Jung, visiting his local leather bar, would call archetypal, meaning that it goes with the territory of being human. It’s not that everybody is turned on by daddy/boy fantasies, but we can all locate ourselves along the spectrum of being, having, or wanting a good Daddy. What does it mean to engage in daddy/boy fantasies? And how does that dynamic play itself out in gay male relationships? As a psychotherapist who mainly works with single gay men and couples, I can make a few observations...." To read the entire article on Gay.com (no charge), go here, or you can read it on my writing archive here.

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In the last year, I've been interviewed several times by Harry Faddis on his radio show "The Quest of Life," broadcast live from WRPI-FM in Troy, NY. These interviews are available for streaming online or for downloading as podcasts. They are:

     "Pornography and Its Influence on Gay Male Culture"

     "Social Networking and the Promise of Online Culture"

     "Get a Life -- an Inner Life, That Is: Spiritual Practice for Gay Men"


"ASK DON"

Q: I have an extreme fear of HIV/AIDS that I realize is irrational. It makes my life miserable. Either I avoid sex altogether and feel lonely, isolated, and starved for physical contact. Or when I can’t stand it anymore and attempt to have a sexual relationship, I drive potential partners insane by imposing so many rules and regulations that it’s impossible for either one of us to have fun. I can’t go on this way! What do you suggest?  -- Scared Sexless

A: The first thing I would say, SS, is that I hope you know that you are far from alone in struggling with this quandary. Many gay men who came of age sexually between the mid-1980s and the mid-1990s grew up with a terrifying vision of gay life and sexuality. The news media drilled into impressionable, inexperienced newbies the perception that ANY sex involving “exchanging body fluids” = AIDS = death. Because mainstream media is strangely shy about talking explicitly about buttsex and cocksucking, and because gay-friendly information about safer sex evolved piecemeal over time, many youngsters confronted with such vague language wound up filling in the blanks with the scariest possible scenarios. Spit, sweat, jizz, and precum became toxic substances, and the most glancing contact with them put you on the express lane to an early grave. Those first impressions are very, very difficult to dislodge. For a young gay man just waking up to his sexuality, that kind of brutal misunderstanding constitutes a traumatic experience.

Some gay men from this cohort were able to work through this trauma and came to terms with the most accepted guidelines for safer sex. (The highest risk of HIV transmission comes from receptive unprotected anal sex). But not everyone got that memo or was able to absorb it. If you’ve learned all the most rational guidelines for having sex without being exposed to HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases and STILL live with irrational fears of contracting AIDS and dying, that tells us there are other factors involved. It’s possible that your extreme anxiety is a psychiatric disorder that needs to be treated by medication. It’s possible that fear about AIDS is a mask for internalized homophobia or sex-shame instilled by your family background and/or religious training. It’s possible that you’re getting snagged by excessive self-judgment, based on shame and perfectionism: “I should know better, I should be farther along in my sexual development, etc. etc.”

Surfing the internet often as not turns up information that is misleading, scary, or incomprehensible. I would encourage you to seek some form of individual therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can help by focusing on practical steps to integrate your intellectual understanding of safer sex with your emotional awareness. EMDR is a form of therapy that treats trauma. A trained sacred intimate can help you work through your fears about touch and erotic contact in a slow, loving, and mindful way. I’m available to work in any of these capacities with you. I’m not able to prescribe medication, but if it seems like that would be beneficial to you, I can refer you to a good psychopharmacologist. In any case, talking about your fears and desires with another person (especially a sympathetic non-judgmental gay or gay-positive therapist) can be helpful all by itself. You don’t have to be alone with your fears.

Additionally, there are some classes and workshops that might give you the opportunity to work through your fear while getting support and community from other men. Kai Ehrhardt and I teach a class called “Authentic Eros” that is specifically designed to help men improve their erotic lives. Adam Brown’s “Heart-Centered Touch” and Kevin Kortan’s “Evolutionary Eros” workshops are other opportunities to expand your experience of safe and connected erotic touch. I mention these as resources, but I suspect that one-on-one counseling would be the best place for you to start.

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