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ON SEXUAL COMPULSIVENESS:

Q: Two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend and I’m single again for the first time in four years. I’ve been spending a lot of time -- two or three hours a night -- online chatting with guys and sometimes getting together for sex. This is all pretty new to me. I’m having a great time, meeting interesting guys and having much better sex than I ever had in my relationship. I’m not turning down other social engagements, and it’s not interfering with my work, but I notice that I’m not watching as much TV as I used to because I can’t wait to log on to AOL and see who’s out there. I wonder if I’m sexually compulsive.

A. Oh my God, you mean you’re forsaking the opportunity to watch “Trading Spaces” to interact with other human beings and actually meet some face to face? That’s downright un-American! Congratulations for interrupting your TV habit, which may be the single most insidious activity in modern life, encouraging active-minded citizens to be passive, politically inert receptacles for whatever propaganda the corporate oligarchy wants to shove down their throats. How many households do you know that have the TV going whenever anybody is awake? How many people go home from work and collapse in front of the boob tube? Are they ever handed the diagnosis of “televisionally compulsive”? By contrast, sex with strangers is 100 times more healthy, if you ask me.
I think it’s great that you’re experiencing an improvement in your sex life, that you’re meeting new people, and that you’re enjoying yourself in the processing. I admire your desire to maintain integrity in your sex life and to pay attention to the ethics of your erotic behavior, which I assume are the impulses that accompany your self-questioning about sexual compulsiveness. The only problem I can discern from your description is that, by conducting a satisfying erotic life, you are going against the free-floating Puritanism on which this country was founded and that still exerts a strong influence on the American psyche. You live in a body, why not enjoy it? Reject the sex-negativity and body-denial that wants to find fault with your willingness to feast at the banquet of life.

Q: I’ve always been an avid cocksucker, all my adult life. Whenever there’s a hard cock in my vicinity, I’m almost always happy to put it in my mouth. It’s almost always been a source of fun and pleasure to me. But lately I haven’t been enjoying it very much. I find myself still haunting the places where I’m used to meeting guys, like the steam room at the gym or in the park, and sucking guys off, including my boyfriend, and yet it’s not feeling good to me. I keep telling myself to refrain if I don’t feel like it, but I still keep doing it. Am I sexually compulsive?

A: If it takes saying “I have a problem” to get you to live the life you want to live, then I’d say you have a problem. I’m not a big fan of the concept of “sex addiction,” because I think it’s a dangerous term wielded by the forces of sex-negativity to shame people (especially gay men) for liking sex. But there is a piece of addiction counseling that makes a lot of sense to me: when you keep doing something you think will feel good (getting drunk, getting high, sucking dick, watching TV, shopping for clothes) even though time after time you end up feeling bad, you’re caught in the grip of something, call it addiction or neurotic behavior, and you need help.
     I do believe that there is such a thing as compulsive sexual behavior, the essence of which has to do with being out of choice. When I find myself operating according to the principle “When sex is possible, sex is mandatory,” then I know I’m in compulsive territory. If you find yourself truly out of control, not being able to stop yourself from relentless cruising, having sex and not enjoying it, spending huge amounts of money or missing work or avoiding other social opportunities to seek sex, then you have a problem and it’s time to get professional help. There’s probably something missing in your life that needs attending to. You may want simple human contact and keep seeking sexual contacts to provide that, which doesn’t always happen. Or you may be self-medicating pain, sadness, grief, or fear by drinking or drugging as part of your sexual adventures. All that is worth taking a look at. Especially if you’re endangering your health or your livelihood, you need to find a good therapist to help you. For some people, 12-step groups (such as Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) are valuable because they provide communal reinforcement for leaving behind unwanted behavior and forming more healthy habits. At the very least, talking to a friend honestly about the sex you’re having will give you a chance to hear yourself say aloud what you like and don’t like about it. You’d be surprised how much that helps you come to your senses and adjust your behavior.
     Because of the many sexual opportunities available to urban gay men, especially through the Internet these days, many of us find ourselves wondering about this question, “Am I sexually compulsive?” You may not be completely out of control, but you also may be somewhere in the vicinity. I think it’s a good idea to weigh these questions with a lot of self-compassion and try not to pathologize the human condition. You can overeat or over-drink once in a while without being an alcoholic or have an eating disorder. Even if you don’t have a serious problem with being out-of-control, you might feel out of balance in your sexual behavior. So think about what’s missing -- a varied menu of sexual activities? A second date? Sex in a bed? A day without sex? Likewise, is there something excessive going on? Are you falling into a kind of trance and spending more time cruising for sex than you want to be spending? If you’re feeling on the edge of compulsiveness, pay attention to the environments you’re hanging out in. Maybe walking through the cruisy area of the park isn’t a great idea when you’re feeling insecure or anxious. If you’re feeling crappy about yourself and/or you‘ve had a couple of drinks, maybe that’s not the best time to log on to gay.com and hit the chatrooms. What if you worked out at the gym and DIDN’T use the steam room for a change? Exercising self-restraint can be very powerful, as a reminder that you can choose the sex life you have.

Posted June 9, 2004

~ DON SHEWEY ~
Telephone: 212-956-4205 or email me at don@donshewey.com